This morning, my little toddler was crying because he wanted to take his sister’s medicine and I said he can’t.

This is happening for few days now and I think we got in this phase when he will need some answers regarding to sister’s condition. It is really hard to explain that to 2y old child when grownups can’t understand either, but I will try.

For now he only remembers her as sister who doesn’t walk or talk or can feed herself, dress herself and she needs mommy for everything. He isn’t aware that she doesn’t see either, but I can understand that it is hard to process in his age.

He was always so supportive in his own little way. When Gabi started to lose ability to swallow, he would always started to cheering while she was eating and drinking; “swallow Gabi, you can do it! Come on Gabi, drink, go sis”. Or when I would trying to walk with her, he would walk in front of us, imitating ataxia and “showing” his sister how she can walk by herself. When they are in playground, he doesn’t let anyone come near her or touch toys with which she is playing with. He is very protective and supportive and he is only 2 years old.

This things are maybe heartbreaking but they are beautiful in some way and I am happy that they have each other.

My worst nightmare is how it will affect him after Gabi dies. It is something I can’t even think of because it is to hard and I can’t prepare him for that either. I know that is wrong, but it is hard to live day by day and then preparing that we will lose her. I know that as a pact in some part of my mind but I can’t really feel that because it still seems so impossible.

They have bond that is so strong that will survive even death and I am so happy to have them both, no matter how hard it can be. Soon they will have another sister and I believe that is the most precious gift I could give them. 


Third pregnancy

I am pregnant with my third child. This is definitely new experience for me. Not new as experience on pregnancy but new in a way I am dealing with it.

When I was pregnant with my first child I was immature college girl who didn’t know what happened to her.  I was so excited but also so scared. Everything was new to me and that was the whole new world for me. I have read so many books, articles, I was online all the time going through various forums and groups gathering as much informations I could get. I’ve watched every single thing, I was little paranoid also, counting days of pregnancy and comparing it to other pregnancies wanting to know is everything like it should be. I don’t have to mention healthy food and enough rest. It was my obsession. I was still in college and I was doing great as student so I can’t say that my behavior was irrational. I was just very into my pregnancy.

With my second child it was different. I was already very well prepared. I’ve planned my pregnancy and I was ready for it, emotionally and physical. I was relaxed and done less things by the book. It wasn’t burden to me, it was just period that I need to go through to get my baby and I was just like that, waiting the end of pregnancy as “reward”.

And here I go for the third time. This baby decided to come in the worst time ever. We are in the middle of huge changes in life, we have so many challenges beside raising a toddler and taking care of terminally ill child, and here we go. This was quite shock for me. After the first shock, I’ve accept the fact we are going to have another baby, but that’s it. I am entering in 5th month of pregnancy and most time I am not even aware that I am pregnant. If this baby isn’t such a kicker, maybe I would forget sometimes. I am in full speed, doing everything like always and swallow legs are the only thing that reminds me that it is time to slow down. I am not thinking about baby much, I haven’t bought anything yet and it feels like my mind is not aware of any of this right now.

Sometimes I feel guilty, but I know that when this baby comes, I will fall in love in a second and that is all we need.

I love my children the same. I’ve never thought that was possible and after the first child that you can love anybody in the same way, but now I know that you can. I have different experience raising my two children, but love is the same. I have different experience in pregnancy but love is still the same.
So, baby girl Mara, we are so looking forward to meet you and love you 🙂